As the last two days of 49 slip away, I’m surprised by how unfazed I am by the prospect of turning 50. Seems 30 and 40 were more disconcerting than I feel today. There are a lot of factors figuring into the mindset, not the least of which are my three awesome grown kids, even if I can take only a portion of the credit there. Recently when on a flight back to Helena I was seated next to a young Canadian woman who expressed her fear of flying. She pounded her arm rests when we experienced turbulence and stated she was hoping to avoid a panic attack. I joked that if she started screaming, I’d have to put my hand over her mouth. I don’t think she thought it was an amusing comment, though I was trying to lighten the mood. I expressed to her I’d been more fearful of flying several years ago but had gradually become more comfortable and recommended deep breathing and prayer. I’d always assumed I just grew up a little and took a more practical look at the risks of flying, but afterwards I reflected that part of her, and my fears may be seated in the status of young mother. She has two very young children back in Canada that she was traveling back to that day and I believe part of my fear when I flew was that if I did die in a crash my kids would be devastated as I was their only caretaker and was concerned for what would happen to them. I think these days knowing they’re all adults and could very well take care of themselves helps. While I imagine they’d be very upset, they would recover while at a very young age the damage would be much more severe.
Another reason for my lack of fear of 50 is the fitness level I feel I’m at compared to a ton of folks my age. Beginning running 17 years ago was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for myself. The confidence and well being derived from exercising regularly can not be over stated. I would highly recommend anyone who doesn’t regularly exercise to incorporate it into their weekly routine. The stress relief and feeling of accomplishment alone are worth the effort.
While remaining single for many, many years and the long stretch of singledom could be cause for alarm, I just don’t feel I’m missing that much. All the activities I now enjoy would likely be diminished by the compromises inherent in any relationship. My current positive state of mind may in fact be partly derived from the lack of a relationship with a man, since correct or not, my history with men seems to reveal that they can diminish self esteem by the subtle ways they judge and criticize and look down upon women. Intentional or not, the message can reflect their feeling that men are in charge, smarter, “the boss”, etc. Living my life not having to answer to anyone or justifying my actions and generally doing as I please gives me a feeling of independence and well being. While this may lead me to a bit of an arrogant attitude of “I know best”, the fact is, for me, I do know what’s best. Plus, I was never the wifey type anyway.
So while I’m not wishing for another 50, unless by some miracle I can escape the usually frailties accompanying old age, the next 10-20 and beyond should be very good indeed. I do appreciate life, I do realize how lucky and blessed I’ve been.
